


erosion

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15.19 and 15.20 never happened, Castiel is Bad at Feelings (Supernatural), Castiel's Angelic Grace (Supernatural), Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, pray4sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:40:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29090673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: Three weeks ago, Dean got hit with a curse by a witch, but nothing happened.And then something happens and Sam realizes that oh no, that spell was not a dud.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 342
Collections: SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection





	erosion

**Author's Note:**

> so I was reading this fic where Dean gets hit by a love spell and Cas makes sure he's the target of it, and everybody's like "ahhh, spell!?" and it just made me laugh because like, poor Dean, it would really be just his fucking luck to get hit with a love spell and nobody notices because he's so absurdly, disgustingly in love with Cas that all it really does is make him touch Cas just like, a little bit more. 
> 
> set post s15, Jack is God or whatever, 19 & 20 never happened but Chuck is dead, and poor Dean really do be out here suffering. I wrote this all on my phone in the last 24 hours so if there's any errors please forgive me, I just need to get this out before it turns into a 20k rambling pile of nonsense.

**" i am  
afraid  
that if i  
open  
myself i will not  
stop pouring. (why do i fear  
becoming a river. what mountain  
gave me such shame.)" **

**" -[JAMIE OLIVEIRA](http://wordsnquotes.tumblr.com/tagged/pq), “EROSION”" **

* * *

Dean yells something, but Castiel doesn’t hear it over the sound of glass and metal breaking and bending around him. The vampires are throwing him around like a rag doll, and he can’t get his feet under him long enough to even try to stop it.

He feels absurdly, infuriatingly human.

Finally, Dean is able to interrupt the one who’s been doing most of the throwing, and Castiel is able to smite the next one that touches him.

The vampire dies with a loud, abrupt scream and it gives Sam and Dean enough time to take out the other four who’d been using Cas as a play thing.

His grace isn’t as strong as it used to be, and he just hurts everywhere. His head is particularly painful, the way that it’s throbbing so much it feels like his eyes are going to pop out.

He makes a noise that’s supposed to be Dean’s name but it sounds more like a groan. He just needs some help to stand up, and frankly, he’s not sure how structurally sound this building is anymore since they threw him through most of the supporting walls.

Dean is there suddenly, and Castiel has to bite back the instinct to whine at the frantic hands flying over him.

Hands stop on his face, and oh, there he is. Cas opens his mouth to say hello, he’s glad that they found him, something, and then -

Dean kisses him and it’s a little panicked, a little too rough, but mostly, it just feels nice.

He’s helpless to do anything more than lean up into it, one of his own hands grabbing at the sleeve of Dean’s jacket. He makes a noise into it and it turns into a groan very quickly, a twinge in his ribs not letting him move like that.

It startles Dean enough that he pulls back, his concern written clear across his face.

“Are you alright?? Did I hurt you??”

Sam makes a choked squawking noise from somewhere behind them, and both Dean and Cas look over at him. He bites his fist so he doesn’t yell it at them and abruptly walks out of the warehouse because **_oh my god, the spell wasn’t a dud_**.

Dean helps Cas out to the car, a hand on his chest and the other hand on his lower back with Cas’ arm thrown over his shoulder.

“Sam, a little help here?!” Dean glares incredulously at his brother, not even reacting to Castiel’s head falling onto his shoulder.

Sam jumps out of the passenger seat and opens the back door of the Impala, “Sorry, yeah, I just - I had to -“

Dean makes a displeased noise that sounds like Miracle when they stop petting her too soon.

“Yeah, whatever ya fuckin weirdo.” He moves the hand from Cas’ chest to his pocket and digs out the keys, “Here, Sammy, you drive.”

Sam blinks at the keys for a second too long, his brain still trying to process the fact that his brother has been under a spell for the last 3 weeks, and gets the keys tossed at his chest for the trouble.

He pouts a little bit despite himself, grabbing the keys from where they fell.

Dean is trying to figure out a way to get himself in the backseat without letting go of Cas and it’s not working. He’s got 5’11” of dead weight leaning on his shoulder, and Dean’s not as young as he used to be.

“A little help here?!”

Sam jumps forward, sliding his arms around Cas to hold him up, “Right, sorry.”

Dean slides in as soon as Cas is safely supported, and then leans forward to grab his shoulders again.

It takes the two of them a minute to figure out the coordination for this, and Cas gets his head slammed against the car once for their troubles. Miraculously neither the bump nor Dean yelling death threats at Sam gets a reaction out of him, other than a quiet groan.

When they successfully have him folded up in the backseat, Dean pulls Castiel’s head onto his lap and runs a hand through his hair.

“Okay, let’s get him to the motel room,” he sighs, sounding equal parts exhausted and worried.

Sam hesitates for a moment with the door open, moments from the past few weeks flying through his head in a new context now. Holy shit, he’s so dumb. They’re all so dumb.

Dean’s voice snaps him out of it, “Sam, come on!” He’s trying to glare at his brother, but he just looks more weirded out than anything, “What the hell is with you, man?? Let’s go.”

He nods, jumping into action and shutting the door a little too harshly. It earns him another squawk from the back seat and Sam winces, “Sorry.”

Holy shit, this is absurd.

Sam hesitates for a beat and decides against trying to talk to Dean now, heading over to the drivers side door.

He gets in the Impala and starts her up immediately, turning down the radio to a quieter volume when it starts playing.

He chances a look in the rear view mirror for a second, and he almost chokes on his tongue when he sees the look on Dean’s face.

He’s never felt so stupid in his life.

Sam shakes himself out of it and pulls the car out onto the main road, barely remembering to look both ways.

They’re quiet for a couple minutes, Dean lost in his concern, Sam lost in the memories of the past twelve years that now have a completely different context and holy shit.

The radio is still playing quietly in the background and it’s something, Sam’s not really sure what, because they didn’t drive here together. They’re going to have to go pick up Castiel’s truck at some point before they leave and huh, maybe Sam will just go and do that after he talks to them.

That’ll buy all of them like what, an hour? Two?

He’s so deep in his own thoughts that Sam almost misses it when he hears the voice coming from the back seat.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Dean whispers, his voice sounding softer than Sam’s ever heard it. “You scared the hell out of me back there.”

“...apologies,” Castiel’s equally soft voice answers, sounding rough. “They got the jump on me, and I -“

Dean shushes him, “Hey, you got nothing to apologize for.”

Castiel sighs, and Sam can hear his trench coat shifting on the bench, “Dean...”

Dean does something that makes the car quiet for a couple seconds too long and Sam has to resist the urge to clear his throat.

“Cas, I’m just glad you’re okay. Now close your eyes again for me? We’re almost back at the hotel.”

“‘M not tired,” is the grumbled reply Sam hears.

“Yeah okay superman, that’s fine, but you’re squinting at me and it’s making my head hurt. Close your eyes, it’ll make you feel better.”

Castiel sighs, the trench coat shifting again, “Alright, Dean.”

Sam turns the radio up just a little bit, feeling suddenly like he’s intruding on something even though he’s heard these conversations a million times before.

Holy shit, he’s so dumb.

* * *

When they get to the motel, Cas is more awake and is able to walk himself up to his room with Dean’s help.

Sam debates going to the front desk to see if they have another room he can get, since they’d been planning to just crash in Cas’ room anyways.

No, he should really take care of this whole shitshow first. Who knows what the effects of Dean being cursed for this long will be? And what if they...

He shakes himself out of it, literally, and finally gets out of the Impala to follow behind them.

They’re barely starting up the steps by the time Sam catches up to them and he catches just a snippet of their conversation.

“Really Dean, I’m alright,” Castiel is grumbling, putting way more weight on Dean than is probably necessary.

Dean snorts, the hand on Castiel’s lower back pressing firmly against him every time they go up a step, “Yeah, you’ve never looked better.”

Castiel groans, glaring at him as they go up another step, “You’re insufferable.”

“Yeah, well,” Dean grins at him, the tips of his ears turning a little pink. “That’s why you like me.”

Sam takes a couple steps backwards and decides that no, he’s going to give them a minute and grab their bags. Maybe go to the front desk and check on that room after all.

At the rate they’re going (at the rate Dean is milking this, he should say), they’ll be at the top of the stairs in like ten minutes anyways.

They don’t even notice that Sam’s not behind them anymore.

Figures.

Sam rolls his eyes and heads back to the Impala, pulling out his phone once he has the trunk open.

He types out a quick text to Eileen and Bobby.

‘Remember that hunt a couple weeks ago with the witches? Dean did get cursed. Need a spell to undo it ASAP.’

Eileen answers first.

‘A delayed spell?’

Sam snorts, running a hand through his hair.

‘No, I’m just an idiot.’

‘???’

‘I’ll explain later. Can you guys help?’

Finally Bobby answers and it makes Sam laugh out loud. He may not exactly be their Bobby, but sometimes he’s close enough that it’s hard to even tell the difference.

‘Don’t text me Sam, just call. Will c what I can dig up.’

Eileen’s reply comes after that.

‘I’m close, I’ll go help.’

Sam smiles, that warm feeling he gets every time they talk blooming in his chest again.

‘I owe you both.’

He grabs their duffles and slams the trunk shut.

* * *

When he gets up to the room ten minutes later, it takes Dean a couple minutes to actually open the door.

Much to Sam’s surprise (and delight) they both look just as miserable and clothed as when he left them. Good, that means Dean hasn’t done something that will freak him out later.

He hands Dean his duffle and a key, “Here, I’ve got the room two doors over.”

Dean frowns, taking both things, “Why’d you get another room? I’m not leaving Cas alone tonight. He could have a concussion, Sam.”

Castiel groans from the bed, “Dean I told you, I have enough Grace. I’ll be fine, I just need time -“

Dean snaps, not even looking back at him when he says, “Cas, I love you, but shut the fuck up, this isn’t up for debate.”

Castiel’s mouth closes with an audible click, Sam feels lightheaded all of a sudden and Dean looks like he can’t believe he’s got two idiots in the same room as him.

“What?!” He growls, looking back and forth between the two of them, “Why the hell are you guys being weird??”

Sam opens his mouth to say something, but Cas beats him to the punch.

He gets up to hobble over to them, and Dean’s there supporting him before he even gets two steps away from the bed.

“Dean,” he sighs, reluctantly leaning into his arms for support. “On second thought, I am hungry. Could you please go pick up some food?”

Castiel smiles at the confused look on his face and sets a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “I do think it will help me heal faster.”

That seems to be a good enough reason for Dean because any defensiveness melts away immediately. He nods, already guiding Cas backwards again, “Fine, but you’ve gotta stay here on this bed, and rest.”

Cas lets Dean settle him onto the bed again and sighs, trying to sound more put-out than he feels, “Alright, if you insist.”

“Damn right I insist,” Dean huffs.

And then, like it’s fine and totally normal and not throwing either one of them off their game, he leans down and kisses the top of his head.

“Okay,” Dean says as he stands upright. “Sammy, you stay here with Cas. I’ll go get burgers and then we’ll talk about why you’re being so weird.”

He points at Sam as he says it, his expression clearly meaning that he thinks Sam is the one who isn’t being normal.

Sam nods, finally stepping into the room, “Yeah, alright, sounds good.”

Dean grabs the Impala’s keys from Sam’s hand and starts to head out the door when Sam remembers.

“Oh shit, Dean!” He yelps, stepping out into the hallway again.

Dean sighs and turns around, throwing his hands up, “What?!”

Sam cringes, pointing to Dean’s face, “You got vamp all over you.”

At the reminder, Dean brings a hand up to wipe his face off and blanches when he sees the blood and chunks on it (eugh).

The most shocking thing, believe it or not, is that Dean just kinda shrugs after a moment.

“Gross, I’ll wipe it off in the car, but I gotta go get the food for Cas.”

Sam just kinda... gapes at his brother, and eventually feels himself nodding. “Yeah, uh... yeah okay. Just don’t go in anywhere looking like that.”

Dean rolls his eyes and turns back around, heading towards the stairs, “What is this Sam, my first rodeo?! I got it.”

Because his brain is still trying to process everything it’s figured out in the last thirty minutes, Sam just goes back into the motel room. He shuts the door behind him and points at Cas, “We need to talk.”

Castiel deflates a little, shifting himself so he’s resting against the headboard, “Dean is under a love spell, isn’t he?”

Sam sighs, dropping his duffle by the foot of the bed, “I’m gonna go with yeah.”

Someone yells at their TV nearby, the radiator kicks on and Castiel groans when he sits up and starts pulling the trench coat off.

“I don’t understand why it just kicked in now,” he grumbles, sounding petulant.

Sam snorts and sits down at the end of the bed, barely missing his feet, “I don’t think it did, Cas.”

He gets a squint for his troubles, and Sam sighs, realizing that this might be a more difficult conversation than he was anticipating.

Look, he’s not blind, okay? He kinda figured that Dean had like, a crush or something on Cas. And he knows that Cas has had a crush on Dean for god, who knows? Maybe since they first met?

But he always just kinda figured that the two of them knew about it and just, like... didn’t think it was a good idea.

In the time it took for them to drive over here, Sam’s started to think that they have no idea.

He sighs again, looking up at the ceiling, “Look, you know how Dean’s been a little bit more touchy the last couple weeks?”

Again, remembering the day after they got home from ganking the witches when Sam caught Dean rubbing Castiel’s shoulders, he fees like the biggest idiot in the world.

Cas shifts on the bed, shrugging a little, “I don’t understand what that has to do with anything, Sam. Your brother is a very tactile person.”

And yeah, okay, add that one to the list of “Reasons Why Sam Is Stupid.”

He rolls his head over to look at Cas, “Dude, maybe, but he isn’t normally like that.”

Castiel sits up and then groans again, falling back against the pillows.

“I don’t understand, your brother isn’t...” He glares at his hands, fiddling with the sleeve of his coat, “He isn’t interested in me, Sam.”

Not for the first time in the last hour, Sam desperately wishes for something to ram his head through. This is absurd.

Cas hums, looking very human, “Although I suppose that a love spell would make that a moot point...”

Sam sets a hand on his ankle and turns so he’s facing his friend, “Cas.”

He doesn’t look up from his hands and Sam resists the urge to yell in frustration by squeezing Castiel’s leg, “Dude, look at me for a second, please.”

After a couple moments, he finally does look up at him and Sam wants to laugh. Cas looks so nervous and just, painfully human, and Sam almost feels bad for the guy.

“Yeah, Dean’s been under the influence of the spell the last couple weeks.”

Castiel looks away again, and Sam moves so he’s still in his line of sight.

“But buddy, you’re insane if you think that he doesn’t love you.”

The person in another room yells at their TV again and then all Sam can hear is the pipes in the bathroom, rattling with the effort of bringing water to someone in the building.

“I’d like to be alone now, Sam,” Castiel says after a couple minutes of silence.

Sam rolls his eyes and lets go of his ankle, “Dean’s going to kill me if I’m not here when he gets back.”

He seems to consider that for a moment before nodding.

“Alright. Then I’d like to wait for my food in the bathroom please.”

They both just stare at each other for a while, both of them daring the other to say anything about it. Finally Sam sighs and stands up, “Yeah, okay. Do you need help, or...?”

Castiel stands up and he has to steady himself on Sam’s arm for a beat. He does, however, swat off Sam’s hands when they move to support him, “I’m fine, Sam. I can walk.”

That annoying little brother part of him wants to point out how hard Cas was leaning on Dean earlier, but he bites his tongue. He just steps out of the way and makes a ‘go ahead’ gesture.

Castiel glares at him like he knows what Sam is thinking, and oh man, is that his ears turning pink?

Sam grins at him, wanting to say something else, but Cas just shoves past him and makes a beeline for the bathroom. He’s definitely got a little bit of a limp, and he’s for sure favoring one side over the other, but he makes it to the bathroom completely fine on his own. The door promptly slams shut in Sam’s face.

He snickers fondly to himself, going over to turn the TV on. He finds a channel that looks entertaining enough and flops down on the couch, keeping the volume low enough that he can hear if Cas needs help.

* * *

Dean comes back twenty minutes later with bags overflowing and his hands full.

“Guys, dinner’s up!”

He sets his bounty on the tiny table by the door and looks around the room, grinning. The grin disappears completely when Cas isn’t on the bed, and Sam’s just looking at him from the couch.

“Hey, Cas just decided to take a shower.”

And he did, honest. He even poked his head out like two minutes ago and asked Sam to bring him a change of clothes.

Dean’s face looks a little panicked again and Sam jumps up, holding his hands out in a placating motion.

“Hey, he’s fine Dean, he just hopped in. He won’t be out for a couple minutes.”

He comes over and sets a hand on Dean’s shoulder, kinda feeling like he’s dealing with an emotional time bomb.

“Come eat,” he tries again, squeezing Dean’s shoulder. “That way when Cas is done and ready to eat his own food, you can totally focus on him.”

That seems to snap Dean out of the panic spiral he looked like he was going down, and he’s visibly trying to make himself not look like that’s what was happening.

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, looking away from the bathroom door. “Yeah, okay, good call.”

Sam resists the urge to roll his eyes when Dean turns around and starts digging through the bags.

He takes his impossible burger when it’s handed to him, and sits down with his back to the bathroom door to appease his brother.

Dean offers him a sheepish smile and sits across from his brother. His butt is barely in the chair when he takes a big bite out of his burger and well Sam, it’s now or never.

“Dean,” he starts, trying to find the right words for this.

“You kissed Cas.”

Well, okay, probably not the best start.

Dean frowns at him through the next big bite he takes and asks, mouth full, “So?”

Sam shifts uncomfortably in his seat, picking a stray piece of onion off the side of his burger.

“Well, Dean, you don’t... normally do that.”

Again, Dean’s got that look on his face like he thinks Sam has once and for all fully lost his mind.

“What the hell are you talking about, Sam? Of course I do.”

 _Please, God_ , he prays, wondering if Jack can hear him. _I don’t want to have this conversation with my brother_.

When nothing happens Sam groans, his hands coming up to rub his temples, “Dean, remember a couple weeks ago? That job with the coven?”

Dean takes a bite of a fry, staring blankly at Sam while he chews, “What about it? We beat them.”

God, please, a sinkhole, a lightning bolt, something.

“Yeah,” Sam sighs, his fingers working into his head harder. “And remember the spell that one of them tried with you right before Cas killed her...?”

Dean shrugs, taking another fry, “Yeah, and? It was a dud, it didn’t work.”

Would slamming his head against the table be too dramatic? Because that’s how this conversation is beginning to feel.

Sam sets his hands on the table, fully glaring at his brother, “It wasn’t a dud. It was a love spell, and it hit you, and you’re in love with Cas.”

Dean blinks at him for a moment, narrowing his eyes a little, “Yeah...” He’s speaking slowly, like Sam is either stupid or insane (he’s starting to really feel both), “That’s because I am.”

Because he’s nothing if not a true little brother, Sam groans and glares up at the ceiling, silently begging Jack to help him.

Of course he doesn’t, because he’s got bigger things to do and to worry about, but Sam feels like he’s being punished instead of Dean.

“Are you feeling okay, Sammy?” Dean takes another bite of his burger and keeps talking while he chews, “You’re acting really weird.”

Sam scrunches his face up in disgust, “Ugh, Dean, you’re gross. How does Cas even...”

Something makes Dean choke a little bit on the food in his mouth and it takes him a full minute to swallow it. Sam wants to laugh at the panic on Dean’s face because his brother is 42 going on 4, but he doesn’t.

“Sam, don’t even...” Dean glares at him warily, sneaking a look over at the bathroom, “Cas doesn’t... Y’know...” He makes a vague gesture with his hands and **_oh my god_**.

“Dean,” he starts, keeping his voice carefully neutral. “Do you...” Sam licks his lips, trying to resist the urge to scream at him, “Do you think that Cas doesn’t love you?”

And now Dean’s blushing and squirming in his seat like he’s 13 and somebody just asked him if his crush like him back and **_ohmygod_** , Sam is going to fling himself into traffic.

“He’s an Angel, man,” Dean hisses. “They don’t work like that.”

“I’m going to kill myself,” Sam groans loudly, letting his head fall forward with a thunk on the table. “Ow, fuck.”

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice interrupts them. He’s standing in between the bathroom door and the bed, wearing some of Dean’s old PJ’s.

(What? Sam’s not stupid, he wasn’t going to give Cas his PJ’s - what if they had sex on them or something? Gross.)

“We need to talk.”

Dean shrinks in on himself a little, not looking away from Cas, “Buddy, look, it’s not what it sounds like -“

Castiel rolls his eyes, his arms coming up to cross over his chest, “Dean, you kissed me.”

Again, he squirms a little in his seat, “So?”

Now at least, someone else is sharing in Sam’s pain.

Castiel sighs, “You haven’t done that since purgatory.”

And welp, holy shit, okay, that’s news.

Dean scoffs, taking a fry from Sam’s pile since his are all gone, “What??? That’s not true.”

“And you said you loved me,” Castiel grumbles, squirming himself now. “You’ve never said that to me before.”

“Well, I -“ Dean starts, shrugging, “I mean, I thought you knew?”

Castiel squawks, most definitely does not stomp his foot, “I don’t appreciate being... made fun of like this, Dean.” He’s trying to look pissed, but he’s just kinda radiating hurt so bad that Sam can feel it from all the way over here.

“I know it’s the spell that’s making you act like this, Dean, but I don’t appreciate you throwing my own words in my face so callously. It hurts.”

Sam’s brain comes to such an abrupt screeching halt that he wonders if they can hear it.

‘Throwing my own words’?! Does that...

“Cas,” Dean starts, finally getting up from his chair. “I’m not under any sort of spell, man. It’s just me in here.”

Castiel glares, unmoved, “You are, Dean, and the sooner we can fix it, the better.”

“I’m not!” He growls, returning his glare, “And I don’t appreciate **you** making fun of _me_ either.”

“Guys!!” Sam yells to interrupt them, the tension getting a little too thick for his comfort, “Cas, Dean is under a love spell, but he’s also in love with you, you idiot.”

Sam turns to Dean and points at him, “And you, you absolute fucking moron, Cas said I love you, and you still don’t believe it?!”

Dean’s glare turns into something like a pout, “He was dying!”

Sam barely resists the urge to yell, and instead just asks as calmly as he can, “So?!”

“Well, I...” Dean frowns, looking down at his shoes.

Cas sighs, his voice much softer than before when he says, “Sam, I think your brother and I need to speak alone for a minute.”

Every ounce of tension and anxiety drains out of Sam’s body at once and he nods, running over to grab his bag and his food, “Thank Christ, I’ll be down the hall if you guys need me.”

Neither one of them says anything until the door’s closed behind him, and even then it takes Cas a minute to figure out what to say.

“Dean, will you...” he sighs, sitting on the bed again, “Will you please come here?”

Dean nods, reluctantly sitting down next to him.

He won’t even look at Cas and he’s going to drive Castiel insane one day. He’s going to lose his damn mind and throw this infuriating human through a wall.

“Look, I -“

“Cas, I -“

They both smile sheepishly at each other, each surprised that the other person said anything.

“No, you go ahead,” Dean says at the same time Cas says, “Apologies, Dean, you -“

They both laugh, some of the tension draining out of both of them.

Sam’s right, this whole thing is absurd.

“So...” Dean starts after a couple minutes, “We... don’t normally kiss.”

Castiel smiles, not taking his eyes off of his hands, “No, we don’t.”

“And I...” Dean winces, looking out the window across from them, “I’ve been under a love spell for the last couple weeks.”

This time, the smile is much more sad and less fond, “It would certainly appear that way.”

Something occurs to Dean and he groans, burying his head in his hands, “Oh my **_god_**.”

At that, Cas shifts on the bed so he’s angled towards Dean, a hand resting on his knee. “Dean, it’s alright...”

He shakes his head, refusing to look up from his hands because holy shit, he’s been under a spell for three weeks and he’s so damn gone on Cas that NOBODY NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE.

This is mortifying.

He flops backwards on the bed, groaning again, “Oh my god.”

“Dean,” Castiel sighs, sounding way more annoyed now. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

Dean whines despite himself, flopping his arms down beside him on the bed, “Jack! Jack, damn it, I know you’re busy but I need your help!”

Castiel makes a frustrated noise, “Dean, I can lift the-“

A hand comes up and grabs his wrist before it can touch Dean, “No.” Dean’s voice is firm, even though he still won’t look at him.

“You need your mojo more than me. Heal.”

At that Castiel sighs, shaking his head, “Fine. Jack, my apologies for bothering you, but if you could please just...”

The curtains whoosh, and then Jack is standing at the foot of the bed. He smiles at them, big and open and oh so Jack.

“Hi Dean! Hi Cas!” He gives them a tiny wave before the smile falls off his face, “What’s wrong?”

Castiel squeezes Dean’s leg, “Dean is under a spell. I would lift it myself, but -“

Dean pushes himself up, trying to smile at Jack, “He’s hurt, needs his grace to heal. And I need this spell lifted, **_please_**.”

Jack nods, solemn, “Of course. Have you...?” He looks around the room, frowning when he realizes Sam isn’t here, “Have you tried a reversal spell?”

Again Dean sighs, “It’s... a couple weeks old. We don’t know what spell they used.”

That seems to be explanation enough for him, because then Jack is there next to them, and his hand is on Dean’s face.

He closes his eyes out of habit more than anything, holding his breath.

“...There,” Jack says after a moment. He removes his hand, grinning at them, “That should’ve fixed it.”

The difference is subtle. Dean feels exactly the same as he has for the last three weeks, but now he’s mortified and wants to crawl into a hole and die.

God, what was he thinking?? He doesn’t get to love Cas like that, not after everything.

Dean wants to disappear into the ether but he just returns the smile as best he can and nods, “Yeah-“ His voice cracks, “Yeah, uh, that did it.”

Castiel is watching him warily, but he does offer Jack a smile, “Thank you.”

Jack reaches out as if to heal him too, and Castiel just stops him with a shake of the head.

“Really Jack, I’m alright. I’ll be healed by tomorrow.”

He can feel Dean fidgeting next to him with the desire to bolt, to run away from the situation he’s created, so Cas silently asks Jack to leave them. Thankfully, miraculously, he still seems to hold some authority over him, and he does.

Dean tries to hop up as soon as he’s gone and Cas just tightens his grip on Dean’s leg.

“Dean Winchester -“ he starts, his mouth suddenly going dry with the question. Cas has to lick his lips a couple times to get his voice to start working, and he fights the urge to preen when he catches Dean chasing the movement with his eyes.

“Do you...” His voice cracks, “Do you really love me?”

Dean looks just like he did before the Empty took him. He’s barely holding back his tears and he’s terrified. His whole being is begging Cas not to do this, not to put everything on the line like this.

Because now, Castiel thinks he might understand what that face means. Don’t put everything on the line like this, don’t break my heart, don’t make me lose you again.

But oh my god, Cas is so tired. And much like Sam in the car, Cas has spent most of his time in the bathroom going over memories of the last twelve years with some new context.

“Dean...” His voice is soft as his hand comes up to rest on his cheek, “I meant what I said. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”

Dean closes his eyes, leaning into the hand, “Why?”

Castiel sighs, pushing some of his feelings through his Grace to meld with Dean’s soul. He’s never been good with words and he just - he needs Dean to know.

He needs Dean to know that he’s never seen anything more beautiful than Dean’s smile, than his soul, and Castiel saw the universe come to fruition. He is millions of years old and he never understood why humans do the things that they do until he met Dean. He’s never loved anything as much as he loves Dean, not even his father, and it terrifies him.

He shows Dean his memories - watching him rake leaves, pulling him out of hell, watching over him at night, that night before they interrogated Raphael. He shows him purgatory, that first time since that night they kissed. He shows him every moment since then that he’s been overwhelmed with the urge to kiss Dean and protect him and tell him how much he loves him.

He shows Dean the dreams that he’s visited, he shows him the heaven he’s designed for him when he’s ready, he shows him his own wildest dreams he never lets himself think about.

Cas shows Dean a dream of them in bed together, and a little girl jumping on the bed to wake them up on Christmas morning. He shows Dean a dream of him cooking in the kitchen, and Cas coming up behind him to kiss his shoulder. He shows Dean a dream of them when they’re 80, sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch of their house while they watch their grandkids play in the yard. He shows Dean a dream where they get to grow old together, be happy, die with each other in their sleep.

Dean gasps despite himself, tears flowing freely and uncaring to stop them. He closes his eyes again and pushes his own feelings through the connection.

His soul is vibrating with all the love it feels because Dean has never loved anyone or anything like he loves Cas. He wants Cas to know that he makes Dean feel brave, he makes Dean feel like there’s something worth fighting for. He shows Cas how much he trusts him, wholly and completely. He shows him a memory of him choking back tears when he thought Cas was really gone after Sam killed Lilith. How sad and confused he was because he should’ve been happy and he just felt kinda empty.

He shows Cas the alternate universe where they shared a cabin, where Cas was a wreck, where they loved each other so much and so hard that they destroyed each other. He shows Cas every moment he wanted to kiss him, every memory he has where all he could think was “I love you, don’t do this to me.” He shows Cas purgatory, all that time fighting through everything with Benny to find him, how terrified and in love he was back then. He shows Cas everything, every moment he thought he was being obvious about it and apparently wasn’t.

The memories of every time he lost Cas leak in without his permission. Him drowning in grief, drowning in alcohol, drowning in rage, just drowning. How empty and hollow he felt every time and how scared he was. Because Cas makes him brave.

And then he shows him dreams - the two of them running an inn for hunters. The two of them waking up together, eating breakfast together, starting their day together. The two of them watching movies together with Dean’s head in his lap, their loved ones safe around them. Taking care of a new generation of hunters, babysitting Garth and Sam’s kids, making dinner for Claire and Kaia when they come visit on the way home from a hunt. The two of them with Jack on Christmas morning, Cas kissing him under the mistletoe, Cas dancing with him in the kitchen while Christmas dinner cooks.

Castiel opens his eyes, and oh. Oh, this is what that feeling is that Dean radiates sometimes. He gets feelings through their connection sometimes, when Dean prays, but he was never sure what this one was. It felt familiar and like it was supposed to be happy, but never fully got there.

Contentment.

Dean wants all of that and more with him, but he just needs Cas in his life. He’ll take him in whatever way he can have him.

“Oh,” he whispers, a smile on his face. “Oh, Dean, you’ve always had me.”

Dean looks like he’s barely holding it together.

He spent so long thinking that he was crazy, he was just projecting, Cas didn’t love him like that.

And here Cas was, drowning in it too the whole damn time.

This time when Dean pulls him in for a kiss, it’s much more gentle and slow. Neither one of them is good at being tender, but they’re both so scared of each other that it’s the only way they know how to touch anymore.

“Cas, I...” he mumbles in between kisses.

Castiel shushes him, taking Dean’s bottom lip in between his teeth, “I know, Dean. I know.”

* * *

Down the hall, Sam and Jack are watching some Disney reruns together. Jack offers him the box of red vines, “Would you like one, Sam?”

He shrugs and takes one without looking away from the tv, “Thanks.”

When the commercial break comes on Jack asks, “Do you think they’re okay in there?”

Sam snorts and takes a swig of his beer, “Yeah buddy, I think they’re okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://deansmom.tumblr.com/post/641766865853612032/ao3-6k-of-what-if-dean-got-hit-with-a-love) at deansmom and twitter at casdoms.


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